When Your “Word of the Year” is MiSsing.

Gah. It is a week into January, and I still don’t have my “Word of the Year”. I see everyone else’s words, and they are SO GOOD! Strength. Adventure. Accept. Grow. Faith. I even searched “Word of the Year”, and trust me, the search results are plentiful, but my word was not there. Why can’t I think of mine? Actually, I have. I’ve thought of so many words…Create, Purpose, Adapt. I just can’t find THE ONE.

It shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve read the directions. I understand the formula for finding a word. Blessing Manifesting suggests: Setting goals for yourself. Envisioning what you want to bring into your life. Letting the word COME to YOU. All great advice. I am picturing myself in lotus pose on a mountain top breathing deeply, but the word is not coming. It is also suggested that you look for “recurring words or themes in your life”. Maybe the word is slapping me in the face? Ummmm. I hope not. Currently, the only words/phrases on repeat around here are X-ray, Naproxen, “stop fighting”, and “Mom, can I have a snack?” Winter break is way too long, y’all.

Even after helping Hubs pick his perfect word, (after a brief explanation about why New Year’s resolutions are so “last millenium”), I still can’t find mine. It’s so easy to help find someone else’s word. What is wrong with me? I am a creative person!

Still, I Have No…

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Bad Pun.

Picking a word while living with an unpredictable, progressive disease like Multiple Sclerosis is HARD. By definition, I will continue to be unwell, and my disability will probably get worse. Depressing, right? Talk about putting some limitations on your dreams. I know, I know. They say to live without limits! You can do anything…differently. It’s nice to think about, and the world is certainly more accessible today than ever before, but the statement still isn’t exactly true. Trust me, I won’t be earning my Zumba certification this year. So what word is the right fit for growth, while still respecting my limitations?

There are so many words I like. Although it sounds cool, “Slay” can’t be my word because in this body, I am too tired to slay anything. Except binge-watching true crime dramas and HGTV. I will definitely slay that. Small tasks can be big accomplishments for me, so the word “slay” seems like setting myself up for failure when I can’t even push a vacuum. So I switched gears, and wanted “Shine” to be my word. It sounds so warm and promising, but I don’t know if anything will be shiny or if I will feel like shining at all this year, and I don’t want my word to be in reference to my T-zone or unwashed hair. Too vague and not the right fit, so back to the drawing board.

Another part of the equation is that I can’t let go of my word from last year, “Confidence”. I made great strides in building my self-confidence and owning who I am in 2019. I quit hiding my mobility aids and avoiding people seeing me “this way”. I learned that I am exactly who I was prior to MS, only braver, funnier, and stronger. I quit self-deprecating and using ugly terms (mostly) to describe my own gait. I am genuinely laughing at my situation and not just through tears at myself, anymore. Big steps in the right direction. There is still work to be done though, so I have to keep the word “Confidence” in my back pocket. so what I really need is a “sister word”. A word that has Confidence’s back and will support her as she grows.

Timing is against me. I ended 2019 and am now beginning 2020 in a walking boot that I can’t really walk in. The foot/walk/move situation is far from ideal, and has seemingly dragged on forever. Paired with the MS, I am just sitting here collecting dust right now. The stir of excitement that comes with a new beginning eludes me. I barely noticed New Year’s Eve, except for complaints I made about the fireworks keeping me up. All this sitting is really getting to me. I am merely a decoration around my house these days; a beautiful object without any real function. Just like a nice vase. See? Confidence AND humor! The truth is, I can’t do much right now. My kids have been eating Nutella sandwiches and Goldfish for weeks. I feel…uninspired. “Stagnant” definitely feels like my word, but I will not give up because that would not be cute on a felt letter board.

It is time to dig deep. If there is one thing living with MS has taught me, it is to live in the moment. Enjoy what you are doing. Drink the wine, spend time in good company, feel all the feels. Go ahead and do that thing you’ve been putting off. Travel. Adopt that pet. Order dessert at a restaurant. Put your toes in the sand. I just want 2020 to be a good year, filled with more happiness than misery, in whatever capacity that means.

Just like that, my Word of the Year has finally fallen into my lap. My word for 2020 is:

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Well now, that should be easy enough. “JOY”. When I CAN control it, if I am not smiling, I am going to try doing something different. I know I can’t control that all the time, there is no joy in an MRI tube, or at a neurology appointment, or filling my weekly pill boxes. No matter, I love to be happy, so I am going to seek it with intention. It seems to pair well with my back pocket word, “Confidence”, which I will continue to work on. So there you have it. I will be thoughtfully seeking ALL the joy this year, anywhere I can find it. What is your Word of the Year for 2020, or are you still searching for your vocabulary soulmate?