So I’ve thought about doing this for a while…

It’s been on my mind for quite some time to share my story of living with Multiple Sclerosis with others, and to funnel my daily frustrations, questions, and accomplishments into something tangible and yet fluid, to allow for my ever-changing circumstances. Art and writing have always been outlets for me and ideas always flowed naturally, but molding my life with MS into something worth looking at seemed impossible.

My story is like so many others. I was fine until one day, I was not. I had just given birth to my second daughter, and my leg fell asleep and stopped listening to the directions I was giving it. I sought answers and was told again and again I was overreacting, I was experiencing baby blues, and of course I was tired! Torturous years of misdiagnosis followed, until I finally got the answer I had suspected, and dreaded for years. I had MS, and it wasn’t long before I wasn’t able to “look normal” anymore. I was trying as hard as I could, but I was not stumbling and “falling pretty”. I was tripping and falling everywhere, and everyone was noticing. I no longer felt like a “MS warrior” as a number of online and in-person support groups were suggesting, I felt like a person destined to progressively wilt away physically, while my terrified mind remained sharp as a tack. I was scared to move, and scared to stand still.

It took time. Years. I had to fully grieve the person I thought I would be and what I had lost. As the pain and shock subsided, I realized something pretty big: I am exactly who I was before, only much stronger than I had originally thought. It was time to live life again, and the opinions and judgment of others didn’t matter so much. I gave myself permission to be angry and frustrated with my new challenges, but not to succumb to them. The little voice inside me formerly silenced in fear was gaining confidence, and a lot of thoughts and feelings were beginning to seep out.

I am learning to live my best life under the circumstances that I have been dealt. Becoming comfortable with the new me has taken time, but I really like who she is. Maybe my stories will never be woven into a beautiful tapestry. I think there will always be loose ends and imperfections, as my situation is always changing, but I am ready to take the pieces I’ve been given, and make the best life “collage” that I can. I am becoming the best version of myself, responding to life’s daily challenges with dignity, honesty and humor when I can, and now it’s time to talk about it.